New Shoes

Viime viikolla Strictly Style - blogin inspiroimana lähdin etsimään itsellenikin mustaa pitsipuseroa. Löysinkin yhden varteen otettavan Nellyn sivuilta ja tänään sain ilmoituksen paketin saapumisesta. Pusero oli täydellinen, selästä ja hihoista kokonaan pitsiä, edestä lyhyempi ja mustaa läpinäkyvää kangasta. Lupaan kuvata paidan myöhemmin.

Pakettiin eksyi kuitenkin jotain muutakin, joka herättää ristiriitaisia tunteita. On one hand I love it, but on the other hand I'm not sure..

Kertokaahan mitä mieltä olette uusista World Trade Centereistäni




Olis parempi varmaan ollu puhdistaa kameran linssi ennen kuvailua.. Ens kerralla sitten!

I bought new shoes from Nelly.com and at first I wasnt sure what I think about them. I think I'm in love afterall.

I'm not stop along the way, I'm the destination

Huomenta! Päätin viime yönä, että alan englannin lisäksi kirjoittamaan myös suomeksi. Ainakin näin alkuun kokeilen sitä ja katson miltä se tuntuu. Suomen kielellä tunteiden ja asioiden ilmaiseminen tuntuu vaan paljon vaikeammalta, paljon todellisemmalta.

Olen alkanut miettiä, että luopuisin periaatteestani olla menemättä lääkärille. Huomasin eilen mekkoja sovitellessani, että olen laihtunut seitsemän (7cm) senttiä rintojen alta. Ei sillä, että siinä olisi mitenkään kauheesti ylimääräistä ollut. Lisäksi luuni tuntuvat ja näkyvät jokaisesta ilmansuunnasta. Vaa'alle en ole astunut hetkeen. Farkkuni tuntuvat jokaisen pesun jälkeen aina vaan isommilta, eikä omalla työpaikallani edes enää ole vaatteita minun kokoiselleni. Eikun hetkinen, onpas, lasten osastolla.

Ja tämä kaikki on tapahtunut muutamassa kuukaudessa, niiden ainoiden kuukausien aikana kun olen oikeasti yrittänyt elää terveellisesti ja syödä hyvin. Silloin kun olin viikkoja syömättä mitään, ei kehossani näkyneet muutokset olleet koskaan noin suuria. En myöskään tunne olevani enää täynnä. Syön kyllä ruokaa ja siitä tulee huono olo, mutta en koskaan tunne olevani täynnä. Tiedättekö, se tunne kun syö ja sen jälkeen on olo, että nyt haluan sen ruokaröökin, että ähky laskee? Ei, ei minulla. Oloni on tällä saralla täysin neutraali, fyysisesti tuntuu, että voisin syödä vielä vaikka tuplat, mutta ajatuksen tasolla se alkaa oksettaa.

Olen aina pelännyt lääkäreitä, sillä olen sairastanut kaikki mahdolliset epämääräiset taudit. Olen ollut sairaalassa tiputuksessa kolme päivää ja lähtenyt sieltä tietämättä mikä oikeasti oli vikana. Kun muut ihmiset menevät kertomaan lääkärille, että nyt on vähän kuumeinen olo, heillä on syysflunssa. Kun minä menen kertomaan lääkärille, että nyt on vähän kuumeinen olo, on kyseessä aina joku tauti, joka vaatii jonkinlaista extrahoitoa, pitkän sairasloman, paljon pillereitä ja tälläisiä ja sellaisia muutoksia elämässä. Minä en sairasta normaaleja tauteja. Ymmäärrätte ehkä siis sisälläni kytevän pelon mennä paljastamaan lääkärille, että nyt tapahtuu jotain pahaa, sillä paino tippuu vaikka ruoka laskeekin.

Onko kellään ollut ikinä samankaltaisia oireita?

ps. Tätä ajatusten pyörittelyä en jaksa kääntää englanniksi..

pps. Kuvituksena Kate Mossin juhlatyyliä, Style.comin sivuilta poimittuna ! On se vaan niin upea.

What to wear?

So I got invited to The Voice's Fashion Week this friday and now I dont know what to wear. I've been thinking a burgundy blouse with edgy corset top underneath. Match it with leather-like shiny jeans. (sounds horrible but acctually those pants are cool ;). Then finish the look with golden details and black high heels.

Like this (by the way, my blouse isnt that see-through and my corset top is a bit different. I would wear the blouse buttons open untill the chest, so that you could get a little peak from the corset):

Or then I could go with leather skirt and my red heels from the Jimmy Choo for H&M collection. I have a purse that matches them perfectly but I'm not quite sure about mixing two different reds.

 

I could also just go with a LBD or some other fancy-dress, but I acctually don't really have that many dresses that still fit me.. After loosing weight, all my favourite dresses are too big for me and everyone knows that dresses that are meant to show off you body, dont look too good when they dont fit..

The dresses that still fit:

Number 1 and 3 are the exact same ones that I own, the rest are the closest looks I could find. About the number 6, picture shows the model but the colour is more like this one. For the rest of the fitting dresses I couldnt find a picture to match but I also have one white dress, which is pretty sailor-like. Golden buttons and little dark blue details added. Then I have one with leopard-print, but I don't like it too much. The rest just don't fit me, anyone wanna come by and take them? Jk, but seriously, which one sounds/looks the best?

What do you think, what should I wear? Pants, skirt or dress?

Good Morning !

While having my morning coffee and cigarette, I usually go through blogs and streetstyle pages. This morning I've been going through page called Stockholm Streetstyle. You can find almost anything from there. This morning I focused on streetstyle pics, I get so inspired by them.

Here are some looks I fell in love with:

 I think this look has it all for this autumn. Maxi skirt, burgundish blouse, statement necklace, red shoes to add some colour. Sexy and sophisticated, I like. Her hair colour is peerrfect !

 I love the way she wears different shades of brown at the same time. I've been really into 'wearing one colour from head-to-toe' lately and this is one example how you can do it. White t-shirt balances the look.

 The hoodie, seriously ! Reminds me a little bit of the perfect hoodie-thing Lady Gaga is wearing in the video of Judas. I'll find a picture of that later. Do you guys think it would hard DIY-project? I really want one of those !

I love that leather bag with the golden details at the bottom. I also have a thing for blouses this fall. I have never really liked them but now I notice I'm looking for them everywhere. As long as it's not too girly, I like it.

 

Okay okay, here's another blouse. But seriously, I think this picture explanes why everyone should believe when someone says: less is more. I could kill for those shorts, I'll have to see if I can find something similar for myself. 

 

Now I'm heading to work, have a nice day sweethearts !

What do you usually do in the mornings?

Versace for H&M

Back to my second (or first) favourite thing, fashion! Im sure you all have heard about the collabration of Versace and H&M. I've several pieces from the past collections H&M has done with the designers and I'm really looking forward to this one as well. Here are some pics just to get a sneakpeak of whats there to come:

I'm not quite sure what I think about the collection so far. It's very Versace for sure, but it has never been so much of my all-time-fav. I think I love it, but I'll have to see the whole collection to be sure. The leather and studds, they never go wrong when it comes to me. Loving some of the colourfull dresses as well, just dont see myself really wearing them. I guess I'll just have to stick with the leather jackets and dresses, they are buuuuuurrning hot !

Pics are from all over the internet and I forgot to take down the addresses, so I'm really sorry if I copied someones pics!

to live doesn't mean your alive

I still remember the first time I went to the doctors office to get help. To start with, I didnt go there by free will. I was forced to go by the people who cared about me. I remember walking to the building, already shaking. I was so affraid to hear what the doctor was to say. I didnt wanna admit that something was wrong, I was fine. I had always been.

I waited for the doctor for ten minutes and I swear those were the longest minutes of my life. When he finally called me and I walked through the door, I broke down immediatly. I just cried like a little baby and the first time it felt like somebody was really listening to what I said. Saying more than 'just eat, you have to eat' or 'you should take better care of yourself'.

I really liked that man, he made me feel like I was important and that he understood me. He listened. I went to see him couple times, but unfortunately I couldnt afford to see him once a week, so I got passed to other, cheaper, doctors. That's where the hell started. I hated the new doctors. They just kept telling me how I was never gonna make it, how I would probably die because of this. I stopped going there after a little while and decided I could make it on my own.

I cut the medication. Things were just about fine. Fine, untill the problems came. As soon as I got in fight with my boyfriend, I quit eating. I couldnt swallow anything because I felt so bad. I noticed that my whole life started to depend on him. I needed love to keep me healthy, I needed him to be there and make me feel loved. After we made up, I started eating again and everything was fine again.

Now I've lost more weight than ever before, my appetite gets questioned almost everyday and I'm lost. I thought these was behind me, because for a long time, I've been eating. I've been eating more than I did before. And still everytime I get on a scale, the number is smaller than before. I've lost every single curve I ever had. I tried to talk people about this, but no one responds in a way I want them to. People who used to care are tired, I cant blame them. People who still care, have moved to other countries. I have no one who would fight for me. I am so lost right now.  

 I want a new life, fresh beginning, anyone wanna switch places with me?

Blown away so easily, yet im going after it

Smoking. One and probably biggest one of my bad habits. It keeps me sane, when everything else fails to do so. It also keeps me away from food and eating. Quitting would probably drive me to eat but cant take the risk. Eventhough I want to get rid of my little friend, aka eating disorder, I dont wanna get too big. The sad part is, I dont even know the difference between too big, normal and too skinny anymore. 

Im learning or at least, I'm trying to learn. I've decided to start excercising because I guess I wouldnt feel so bad about eating and gaining weight if I could see that my body structure is acctually getting better at the same time.

This really is harder than I thought. Even the thought of being 'fatter' makes me feel sick. Still I know I look like a skeleton, meaning I do not look good. When will I come to senses with this?

Pictures from we<3it.com