to live doesn't mean your alive

I still remember the first time I went to the doctors office to get help. To start with, I didnt go there by free will. I was forced to go by the people who cared about me. I remember walking to the building, already shaking. I was so affraid to hear what the doctor was to say. I didnt wanna admit that something was wrong, I was fine. I had always been.

I waited for the doctor for ten minutes and I swear those were the longest minutes of my life. When he finally called me and I walked through the door, I broke down immediatly. I just cried like a little baby and the first time it felt like somebody was really listening to what I said. Saying more than 'just eat, you have to eat' or 'you should take better care of yourself'.

I really liked that man, he made me feel like I was important and that he understood me. He listened. I went to see him couple times, but unfortunately I couldnt afford to see him once a week, so I got passed to other, cheaper, doctors. That's where the hell started. I hated the new doctors. They just kept telling me how I was never gonna make it, how I would probably die because of this. I stopped going there after a little while and decided I could make it on my own.

I cut the medication. Things were just about fine. Fine, untill the problems came. As soon as I got in fight with my boyfriend, I quit eating. I couldnt swallow anything because I felt so bad. I noticed that my whole life started to depend on him. I needed love to keep me healthy, I needed him to be there and make me feel loved. After we made up, I started eating again and everything was fine again.

Now I've lost more weight than ever before, my appetite gets questioned almost everyday and I'm lost. I thought these was behind me, because for a long time, I've been eating. I've been eating more than I did before. And still everytime I get on a scale, the number is smaller than before. I've lost every single curve I ever had. I tried to talk people about this, but no one responds in a way I want them to. People who used to care are tired, I cant blame them. People who still care, have moved to other countries. I have no one who would fight for me. I am so lost right now.  

 I want a new life, fresh beginning, anyone wanna switch places with me?