Blown away so easily, yet im going after it

Smoking. One and probably biggest one of my bad habits. It keeps me sane, when everything else fails to do so. It also keeps me away from food and eating. Quitting would probably drive me to eat but cant take the risk. Eventhough I want to get rid of my little friend, aka eating disorder, I dont wanna get too big. The sad part is, I dont even know the difference between too big, normal and too skinny anymore. 

Im learning or at least, I'm trying to learn. I've decided to start excercising because I guess I wouldnt feel so bad about eating and gaining weight if I could see that my body structure is acctually getting better at the same time.

This really is harder than I thought. Even the thought of being 'fatter' makes me feel sick. Still I know I look like a skeleton, meaning I do not look good. When will I come to senses with this?

Pictures from we<3it.com